1 post tagged “humuhumunukunukuapua'a”
I love to lie. Not the kind of big lie that gets found out and hurts people, but the kind of lie that's just obscure enough and difficult enough to track down that people won't do the work to check. To wit:
I was scooting along Market Street the other day, manifesting as a human for the schnerk of it, and someone came along and said she recognized me. I told her no, I'm not who you think I am.
"But you look just like Benny!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah, I get that a lot," I responded. "Apparently I look like a lot of people."
"Well, that's weird," she said, "Because Benny doesn't."
At this point I just had to continue this conversation because I could tell I was in the presence of a unique mind. "I'm on my way to lunch. Are you hungry?" She accepted, and we ended up at the Metreon to have some Japanese cuisine. (Side note: Do me a favor: Don't call the edibles of different cultures 'xxx food', where 'xxx' equals the name of the culture, e.g., Turkish food, Mexican food, etc. Ethnic comestibles are cuisine; what you feed your pets is food.)
Over the course of the meal, I got it out of her that she worked in marketing, was from Kansas, had been married but was now divorced, and enjoyed movies and rollerskating. I divulged to her:
* I was the son of a Lithuanian fluff miner ("Yes, I'll bet you thought pillow stuffing grew on trees, didn't you?")
* I grew up with one arm missing at the elbow from an accident involving cherries; a purple rubberband; a humuhumunukunukuapua'a from the shores of Makapu'u in O'ahu; a third-generation copy of the Iliad, translated by Philippe Gernais-Withy of the Society for the Preservation of Aeronautical Morse Code Anomalies; and the World's Largest Ball of Twine
* What looked like a complete, working arm was actually a clever mechanical device carved entirely out of fire-hardened marzipan
* I raced shellfish for the Philosopher Kings of Vanuatu
* I invented the hippopotamus
* I was the first person to ever utter the phrase 'Man, look at that stork eat!', and that anyone who subsequently said that phrase within the bounds of the United Kingdom owed me a Euro
* I was related to George Washington Carver, who was secretly a spy for the Mushroom Overlords currently in exile from Iceland
* I once ate three times my weight in nougat for the love of a Welsh woman, only to be spurned by her when she discovered I was a staunch supporter for the Bolsheviks
and that I thought the only reason we all didn't fly off the planet was because the Earth was keeping us here based on the old adage "Keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer".
After lunch, we parted ways, but I still get messages from her to this day, keeping me abreast of her adventures in marketing, including the day they had an office party for the daughter of one of the receptionists, and everyone wore silly hats. You know, a guy just can't compete with that kind of nonsense.
I've come to bury Caesar, not to praise him
I've come to praise Caesar, not to bury him
I've come to praise Barry, not to seize him
I've come for Barry, have you seen him?
-- "Caesar and Barry", The Billy Nayer Show
