1 post tagged “grand central station”
I'll tell you what I like about Oreos (since you asked): The textures. When you open the bag (and by the way, can we, as a civilization, please invent a louder type of plastic? 'Cause when I want to eat something in secret so I don't get chewed out by someone trying to tell me that my snacks aren't good for me nutritionally, there's no better way to keep everything on the DL than to open a nice, crackly, apocalyptic-sounding bag of Oreos. It's like they're for the hearing-impaired, they're so loud. But I digress), and reach in for your first Oreo, the first thing you encounter is the milled edge of the cookie. They're reassuringly grabbable. There's no dropping one of these babies accidentally, no siree Jim bobcat tail! Those things could get you over the roughest terrain in no time flat, should you ever try to attach four of them to the vehicle of your choice. This would be a heinous waste of time, however, as they're better put to the purpose of eating. But just think of the traction!
Next, the outsides of the Oreo. There is real pleasure awaiting you, the Journeyman Eater, in touching with fingers or tongue the outside of the Oreo cookie. Nicely ridgey and complex, it looks like the Official Cookie of the Masonic Order. What the hell is that weird symbol supposed to mean? I'm always afraid that if I stack too many of them on top of each other, I'll inadvertently summon the demon Altalbahest, Viper Lord of Snack Cakes.
I did a little research; pulling the following from the Red Book of Obscure Mystical Phenomena and Shortbread Recipes: turns out that the little 'radio tower'-like symbol is representative of the grand unification of locusts prophesised by the warrior-monk Khonshu in the 12th century. The locusts will congregate in the middle of Grand Central Station, form a giant humanoid body, and march toward the Statue of Liberty, where they will climb on its shoulders and do a dance to commemorate their ages-old victory over the tyranny of wheat crops everywhere.
There is a slight chance that I mistranslated the ancient text.
Finally, the creamy center of the Oreo. Making it to the center of the cookie is like diving into a swimming pool filled with sex. It's the reward for making it past the barriers of plastic, tire treads, and Masonic summoning rituals which heretofore have impeded your progress. It's like kissing Jesus, it's so good. I once attempted to fashion an apparatus designed solely to spray the cookie cream into my mouth, from distances of up to a mile away. However, I failed to reckon with the fact that, thanks to my failing the 3rd grade, the device I'd constructed was destined to instead go on a rampage and destroy Lichtenstein by burying it under over 200 feet of canola oil. Sad, really.
Oh, and by the way, the only reason I failed the 3rd grade was because of the ridiculous standards by which this country measures progress. Pfft. Americans and their 'reading', and their 'writing', and their 'no devouring the teachers just because they smell like savory herbs and spices'. Let me tell you something: You are what you eat. I'm all set to start my own college ("Lycanthrope University: We'll change you for the better!"). I just need to absorb some teaching... the old-fashioned way.
Electricity!
Biology!
Seems to me it's Chemistry
-- "Chemistry", Rush
