That Darned Elephant

nobody@vox.com(Akela Talamasca) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 11:38:35 -0700

[Editor’s Note: Today’s audiocast is an interesting artifact. The file arrived damaged, requiring a crack team of sonic restructuralists to restore its integrity. Listening to the file required some intensive piecing together, and we present it to you now in what we believe to be its complete state]

Well, it seems that no one else finds Babar's antics unusual besides me. That's okay, it won't stop me from exposing him as the freakish folly of children's literature that he is. I cannot be silenced!

[Editor’s Note: At this point in the transcription, there comes the sound of something flapping wildly, at which Akela flails his arms, attempting to rid his personal space of whatever it is making the sound. Normal conversation resumes]

Whoa. That was weird. Anyway, as I was saying, I cannot be silenced. Ask anyone at the Shelter. So, the thing about Babar is --

[Editor’s Note: Here, the screeching of several bats can be distinctly heard, perhaps as many as 5, as they swirl about Akela's head, causing him to duck and swing his fists around in an attempt to dislodge them from his headfur. Once or twice he scores a direct hit, as evidenced by the sudden loud, ear-piercing squeak of a stricken bat, spiraling to the ground in what sounds suspiciously like flames]

*panting* What in the name of the Horny Dragon is going on? I swear one of those bats just tried to take a bite out of my ear! Usually they don't even come near me unless I have a Snickers bar! All I wanted to do today was talk about Babrrrmmfffff!

[Editor’s Note: This is where the recording gets really interesting. Akela's speech is suddenly interrupted by a wet, thwacking sound, which renders his continuing volubility muffled and unintelligible. He clearly keeps trying to talk, however, but nothing of substance can be made out. At the same time, a frightful roaring sound comes thundering into the sound space, accompanied by a nauseating sort of liquidy noise. For the next several minutes, all that can be heard is the din of a massive and epic struggle, as Akela attempts to fend off what can only be (from the sounds it produces), some sort of Slime Monster. Repeated thumping, growls, squishing, howling, and curiously, the tinny soundtrack of an ice cream truck can all be distinguished from the recording. Finally, a resounding crash is heard, then all is silent for about a minute. After a long pause, slow dragging movement is heard, and Akela's voice returns, out of breath and weary.]

Okay. *panting* I think I'm done talking about Babar. Apparently he has friends *wheeze* in low places. This one goes to you, O Prince of Pachyderms *coughing*. Next time I'll just stick to food.

[Editor’s Note: a final thump as Akela passes out.]

Ugly apparition
God's gift to oxygen
The puffed-up immortal son
How they love him ‘cause he’ll become
The Ghost at Number One
-- "The Ghost at Number One", Jellyfish

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The Elephant in the Room

nobody@vox.com(Akela Talamasca) — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 11:29:24 -0700

Babar tramples

You know, I had to really think the other day about why I loved Babar as a pup. I had the opportunity to re-read it recently, and it was fairly disturbing. Let's go over it, shall we?

1) Babar's mother gets shot.

Babar

Okay, it's not unusual to have a one-parent family, even back in The Day when The Story of Babar was written. However, elephants are a pack-oriented species; where were all the other elephants when this happened? Poor little Babar runs away and ends up in what I assume is France, owing to the illustrations of the local clothing and architecture. The hunter who kills his mother gets no comeuppance, which we’ll address next.

2) The locals take no special notice that Babar is an elephant.

Okay, combined with Issue 1) above, this becomes especially problematic for me. A human hunter goes out and shoots Babar's mother. If we assume that in this Alternate Earth, elephants are regarded as fellow sentient beings, was this killing an assassination? Nobody seems to mind that all of a sudden there's this young elephant wandering around the city, shopping and driving. DMV Français is pretty damned lax, I have to say; it’s not as though elephants are known for their eyesight. How did Babar pass the eye exam? Oh, wait, they have good memory, so he probably did some research and memorized it. Okay, it all makes perfect sense now.

3) Babar says "I want some clothes".

This is as implausible as Martians wanting our women. Sexual deviants aside, we typically don't lust after species other than our own. Following, then, why does Babar want clothing? He's certainly never worn any, nor even seen them among the other elephants. Oh, let's also not forget the deus ex machina of the Old Lady (who apparently deserves no other name), who just hands over her purse for Babar to use to buy clothes. Later, we even find out that "She gives him whatever he wants." What in the name of the Twelve Bastards is going on here?

Here’s the thing: with so many liberties taken, why even keep this story in the Real World at all? Am I the only one who finds this odd? What? Of course I’m being ridiculous! I’m a giant white werewolf who only exists in people’s imaginations! My whole existence is ridiculous! I’ll obsess over whatever I want! I’m coming for you, Babar. I’ll expose your mysteries if it’s the last thing I do!

If I had a pair of eyes on the back of my head for each time
You forgot to take out all the things you forgot to talk about
When you took a bite out of my spine
I would have a lot of eyes on me by this time
Wouldn't I wouldn't that be just fine
-- "Letterbox", They Might Be Giants

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Howling In Your Face!

That Darned Elephant

The Elephant in the Room