The A to Z of Akela

nobody@vox.com(Akela Talamasca) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 13:30:03 -0700

I got this from Iris Ophelia's blog, and thought it was Neat-O. So for those of you who were a-hankerin' to know more about your Favorite Silly Wolfie (I'm looking at you, Mom), here it is:

[A is for age]
∞

[B is for booze of choice]
The squeezed-out tears of the participants of the Boxer Rebellion

[C is for career of choice]
Silly Wolfie Emeritus to the International Association of Wombat Barbers

[D is for your drug of choice]
Dimoxinol -- I'm actually naturally hairless

[E is for one essential item you use everyday]
The illusion that I have something worth saying

[F is for favorite song at the moment]
I like that one with the guy singing about that girl

[G is for favorite game]
Taunting PETA members into a murderous rage, then reminding them that I'm an endangered species

[H is for Hometown]
The sleeping minds of humanity

[I is for instruments you play]
I play the houka passably well, but I'm a Grandmaster on the Hollowed Frenula

[J is for favorite juice]
Diet Soylent Green (it's made from vegetarians)

[K is for kids]
Aww, baby goats are so cute and tasty!

[L is for last hug]
I hugged a bandersnatch the other day 'cause it was feeling down about how nobody believes in them anymore. I think it helped; he wandered off singing 'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor

[M is for marriage?]
I'm married to the Sea. And the Mob. I mobbed the Sea. I've seen the Mob. I love my Mob and Pob, see? Icy. C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me. What was the question?

[N is for nickname]
*unprintable*

[O is for number of overnight hospital stays]
I can't go into hospitals anymore, since The Incident

[P is for phobias]
You know, for getting such a bum rap, I know quite a few phobias who are rather sweet. Triskadekaphobia is fun to have around, and a whiz at numbers. Ailurophobia can be a bit catty at times, but a solid fellow who will back you up in a fight. Blennophobia and I have become fast friends thanks to what happened in my last post. Get to know your fears, chilluns; they're not all bad!

[Q is for quote]
"There's nothing like the threat of extinction to force evolution"

[R is for biggest regret]
The Biggest Regret would have to be Josiah Q. Regret, of the Hampton Regrets. He's, what, 7 foot 8?

[S is for singing]
Actually, 'S' is for 'singeing'. I have nothing to do with that

[T is for time you woke up]
I woke up when the first bicameral mind became aware of itself, and I've been bouncing around ever since. Thank you, Evolution!

[U is for underwear]
Under where? I'm all nekkid all the time!

[V is for vegetable you love]
George W. Bush. I love him like I love all my retarded children

[W is for worst habit]
Shnorgling

[X is for number of x-rays you've got]
I used to have a drawer full of ex-rays, some manta, some sting

[Y is for yummy food you make]
I'm at the other end of that spectrum. I only eat yummy food, not make it. Though lately I've had the urge to start being creative... hmm... Fire Ant Soup? Leafy Green Wedgetables? Mammoth Nose Surprise? Frothy Kinkajou Sweat? Peppermint-flavored Carbonated Milk?

[Z is for zodiac sign]
Wheelbarrow. Wait, which zodiac were you talking about?

Tell me that you've got everything you want
And your bird can sing
But you don't get me
You don't get me
-- "And Your Bird Can Sing", The Beatles (yay)

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The A to Z of Akela