Only YOU can stop your head from exploding
If you’re like me, or even like him, or her, but not her or her, and totally not like that guy, ‘cause eww, what the hell is wrong with his ears, he doesn’t know the business end of a loofah from a turkey’s wattle and MAN he needs the services of a manicurist like WHOA… then you’re concerned about supramandibular cranial detonation, or headexplodeytude.
Headexplodeytude, or HET, is a syndrome suffered by millions of decent government-fearing folk daily. Doctors diagnose headexplodeytude in 4 ½ out of 67% of sufferer…ers every month, and new cases are on the rise. What causes HET, and how can we hunt down and lynch those responsible?
HET begins as a throttled impulse. We’ve all experienced moments of feeling frustrated at a co-worker’s cheerfully ignorant ineptitude when filling out a TPS report, or the inability of a customer service representative to understand that it’s impossible for you to go to the website to fill out a problem ticket when lack of Internet service is the reason you’re calling in the first place. DID YOU GET THAT, COMCAST? STOP PLAYING BEJEWELED AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!
However, as well-raised, polite, and intelligent people, we understand that we can’t just say whatever rage-fueled magma-like invective we’d like to let spew forth from our mouths, so we push our anger way down deep inside and try to conduct ourselves with decorum. Unfortunately, that anger doesn’t just go away. Instead, it mixes with the digestive juices, deeply-held resentment, and fears of mimes we all harbor inside and causes pressure to build up from within. Over time, that pressure can travel up the esophagus and fill the sinuses, causing a horrendous explosion, showering everyone nearby with viscera and bits of the previous night’s Haagen-Dazs Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream binge.
So what can be done to arrest the effects of headexplodeytude? Well, you could try yoga and meditation! No, no, seriously, science has long ago debunked the myth of cultivating a healthy philosophy of tolerance, acceptance, and inner peace as a method of managing the kinds of stress that leads to HET, and instead turns to biopharmaceuticals for help.
Introducing Noboomitor. Carefully developed over the course of 5 years by a team of caring, respected scientists from various third world yet totally clean and broadband-enabled countries, Noboomitor has been proven effective in over a thousand Phase IV clinical trials as compared to placebo. Noboomitor is quick-acting, totally more purple than that other purple pill, won’t stain your teeth, and is effective for over 12 minutes before requiring another dose. Noboomitor isn’t for everyone – please check with your physician if you are:
• Pregnant
• Thinking of becoming pregnant
• Terrified you’re already pregnant
• Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Junior”
• Currently taking anything for anything
• Over 5 feet tall
• Were born in a month ending in “ember”
• Bipedal
• Have a face
• Or have recently been possessed by Shreeknolgth, Dread Monarch of Styrofoam Peanuts and All Related Packing Material That Makes That Nerve-Shredding Squeaky Sound When They Rub Together, I Hate That
Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, vomiting out of someone else’s mouth, inability to say the letter “ “, plague of frogs, Reaganomics, mudtongue, inverted nipples, slight headache, and loss of appetite. Ask for Noboomitor at your local pharmacy. Please remember to provide adequate credit references, and any documentation concerning mortgages, trust funds, and off-shore bank accounts. After all, if it’s expensive, it probably works!
Noboomitor is your best choice for temporarily staving off the inevitability of supramandibular cranial detonation. Remember: only you can prevent your head from exploding. Please, think of the children. If they go to school with pieces of their daddy’s noggin plastered all over their precious little faces, you can bet they’ll be picked last for dodgeball. And no one wants that. Noboomitor: it works, bitches.
Having every question answered isn't gonna help at all
Having every question answered isn't gonna help at all
Having every question answered isn't gonna help at all
Having every question answered doesn't help
When you're not supposed to know
You're not supposed to know
You're not supposed to know
Anything
-- "Textbook", We Are Scientists
Comments
Good thing us third world (but totally clean and broadband enabled) countries are willing to stop masacring (did i spell that right? it looks more like the name of a species of parrot) and genociding each other to find an answer.
It's available on all markets (black, white, purple, yellow AND green) and is totally biodegradable.
(Except when mixed with water or stomach acids.) (but you knew that)
Have a nice day!
Gawd I love you. This was just what I needed to read.
in all seriousness you are correct. Only you can stop your head from exploding. What's more is only you can allow another to get in there.
Hahaha.
This so made my morning. Admittedly, I did have to re-read your introductory paragraph after a strong dose of crude-oil-like-coffee, but it was so worth it.