Akela Answers Your Burning Questions
Q: Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?
A: Well, the fact that you're made entirely out of breadcrumbs has a lot to do with it.
Q: Why do fools fall in love?
A: Because being fools, they pay no heed to the large sign that reads "Warning: Love ahead; keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Please do not feed Love. Contents of Love are under extreme pressure. Close cover before striking Love. Love is harmful if swallowed. Keep Love out of the reach of children." Besides, it's easy to fall in love, what with so many people casually tossing it aside to lay in the street smelling funny.
Q: Who wrote the Book of Love?
A: Horace J. Pinkerton
Q: Whooooooo are you? Who who, who who?
A: Iiiiiiiiii'm Akela. Akela, Akela, Ak -- you know what? Screw this. *shoots the owl right out of the tree*
Q: Will you still love me tomorrow?
A: Sorry, what? The game was on. Hahaha! No, I'm just kidding; I don't even love you now; what makes you think tomorrow will be any different? No, no, no... I kid. I kid because I love. Listen, could you pass me that roast muskrat? Thanks. *CHOMP* Yeff... *munch munch* I'll shtill luvv oo *crunch* toomorowphhh *GULP* baby!
Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: Yeah. First, get stinking drunk. Second, remain drunk for about 2 weeks straight, or however long it takes you to lose your job. Third, keep drinking until you alienate your friends, family, and anyone else who has any chance of keeping you alive. Fourth, lose your house or apartment. Fifth, pass out in a dumpster. Sixth, wake up and hey! You're in San Jose! (Note: San Jose isn't really as bad as this, but MAN it's not great)
Q: Have you ever seen the rain?
A: Is that the thing that comes down from the frozen North, howling like a banshee with its head on fire, and after it gets itself to Starbucks, it attaches itself to the nearest over-50 businessman and starts demanding to talk on his cellphone about the price of oil in Lebanon, and then it decides it needs a snack and goes to the local farmer's market, picks up three radishes and some hummus, and waddles over to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything" and starts to laugh because it just reminded itself of that joke about the Dalai Lama, realizes that no one else is laughing, then stalks off into a disused elevator where it sits morosely, alternately weeping and muttering to itself about the shameful state of affairs in this country, then finally gives up all pretense of caring about the ozone layer and just sprays the holy hell out of itself with an aerosol can filled with teal paint and dies in a cloud of foul-smelling vapors?
It's not? Oh. Then I've never seen it.
Q: Who's gonna drive you home tonight?
A: Whatever you do, make sure it's not that Stephen Hawking guy. Sure, he's got a brilliant mind and all, but he canNOT parallel park to save his life! Plus, he only ever wants to listen to his Enya CD in the car, which isn't so bad, but then he wants to sing along too, and let me tell you: THAT gets awkward quickly.
Q: Do ya think I'm sexy?
A: You would be, if you would just stop stabbing me.
Q: Please, please, tell me now, is there something I should know?
A: Well, I wasn't going to mention it, but yeah, you got a little something on your upper lip. No, on the other side. No, a little higher. Right there. Yeah, you -- no, you had it. It's just above... no, over a bit. Right there. No! You had your finger right on it! It's just a little -- oh, for heaven's sake... just... just c'mere. There. What the hell have you been eating?
Q: Do you wanna touch (yeah!) Do you wanna touch (yeah!) Do you wanna touch me there?
A: Eww? What the hell is that? Holy cat on a hot tin roof, go see a specialist!
Q: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
A: I prefer the term "Crisis Management Consultant".
Q: It's got what it takes, so tell me, why can't this be love?
A: Well, the fact that you're made entirely out of breadcrumbs has a lot to do with it.
Q: Who let the dogs out?
A: I swear by all that is Holy and Good and Yummy, if you EVER ask me this question again, I will shove my foot so far up you that you'll be able to taste what I just stepped in; THAT'S who.
Keep sending in your questions, kids! Akela loves you!
There are times when all the world's asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
-- "The Logical Song", Supertramp
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